The idea of being authentic has caught our attention much like the word empowered did a few years ago. It's curious why authenticity seems so valuable to us that we talk about what it means, wonder if we have it, and search for ways to find it and express it. What makes us think we aren't authentic?

The other day I was talking to a thirty-four-year-old mother of two small children who lives in Minnesota. I'll call her Rae. She told me, "I'm not real thrilled with life right now. My kids are two-and-a-half and four-and-half, and I went back to work last January selling real estate. I've done sales, customer service, and public relations but I don't like the idea of hopping around in my jobs. Real estate is okay, I guess, but I really love metaphysical stuff. Reading books on spirituality recharges me. My family all goes to church, but church doesn't seem to fit for me anymore. I need to find my life purpose!"

Becoming Aware

She went on to describe her inner restlessness, her feeling she is "not doing something right" and her growing conflict with her parents and husband. My hunch is that Rae is in a process of shifting values within a milieu that is familiar but not very supportive of her search for fulfillment. Like many of us who are unhappy with where we are, Rae was putting the focus on finding her purpose-which for her meant finding the right career. However, finding the right career can be a mythical panacea that is not the answer to our deepest inner longings to feel recognized, happy, and fulfilled.

Last month in this column, I mentioned the book by Paul Ray and Sherry Ruth Anderson, The Cultural Creatives. In that book the authors describe three main streams of consciousness operating in the United States: the Traditionalists, the Modernists, and the Cultural Creatives. As Rae and I talked about the values and interests of these three groups, she realized that most of her friends and family held beliefs that sounded like the Traditionalists-e.g., a patriarchal view of family life, traditional roles for men and women, family, church and community are where you belong, and adhering to conservative customs that maintain familiar ways of life. She felt particularly at odds with the idea that all the guidance you need for your life can be found in the Bible. Her desire to work and have an independent income was not only viewed with criticism by her parents who thought she should devote herself completely to being a wife and mother, but also by her husband. Their frequent fights over her work hours is costing her much anxiety and guilt.

Original Nature is Shaped by Conditioning

As children we have no trouble being authentic. Remember when you woke up in the summer happy with anticipation for the day? Remember the joy you took in having your friends sleep over? Remember your parents' mixed reaction when you blurted out some delightful, albeit disconcerting, blunt truth? Growing up, we naturally question authority or the status quo because curiosity and the need to understand how the world works are prime motivations in our developing psyche. At some critical point, however, it is inevitably driven home to us that in order to get along in the world, sometimes we need to withhold our opinions, listen to our elders, deny what we see and hear, lie low or even lie. We begin the process of putting a lot of stuff-beliefs, opinions, self-criticisms, pain, fear, disappointments, humiliations, anger, rage, feelings of distrust and abandonment in a closet-with the idea that maybe it will go away or we'll sort it out later.

Making a Break

Each of us is born into a family or a situation that already has a code and a belief system that works to some degree. For those of us who are adventurous enough-or unhappy enough-to search for personal fulfillment, we may find we are attracted to interests, cultures, lifestyles, or beliefs that don't jibe with past conditioning. Usually, without any conscious intention to upset the status quo, we find that we're "not in Kansas anymore, Toto," as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz once said. One of the most poignant interviews I had was a few years ago with a teacher named Jim who lived in the Mid-west. His wife was also a teacher and one day they were looking over the salary schedule for teachers. He said, "My wife looked at it and was excited to know that every year she would receive a 5% pay raise and would retire at 65 with a pension. We had just bought a house and all the furniture we would ever need, and when I thought about how the next forty years were all mapped out for me, I got profoundly depressed."

By his family's standards, Jim and his wife had everything. He said that given his family's outlook, he would have found it easier to commit suicide than to get a divorce. Eventually, he told his family he was going west to give himself a chance to pursue his dreams of being a comedian. As painful as the decision was, he later divorce, met the love of his life, and now is active in spiritual teachings and is a master of ceremonies in a comedy club. Jim's need to live an authentic life was literally a life or death issue.

Inner Listening-Alert Presence

The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short, clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is-for us.

When we are birthing a more authentic version of ourselves-especially when we are unconsciously growing away from the familiar unspoken contracts and agreements we have with people, we experience some or all of the following feelings, which Rae expressed in our conversation. I asked her to state what she does not want as the first step in identifying what she does want. She said, "I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I don't want to feel unsure of myself. I don't want to be tired all the time. I don't want to be negative, to always see the down side, or to expect the worst. I don't want to be a fearful worry wart. I don't want to be a people-pleaser. I don't want to feel that I am not being authentic."

In a recent article in Noetic Sciences Review (March-May 2003), Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, says, "More and more, you realize that you are not your thoughts, because they come and go. They're all conditioned; they're all just the contents of your mind. Instead of deriving a sense of self from those contents, you realize that you can simply observe the contents. A deeper sense of self arises then. That is the aware presence, and it feels very spacious and peaceful, no matter what happens in your mind."

Below is a list of some of feelings that comprise a syndrome of inauthenticity- which occurs when our inner needs, values, and self-image don't match our outer expression, behaviors, and accomplishments-and some major characteristics of an authentic person.

Challenging Situations

It's easy to assume that once you learn the secret of authenticity, you are going to be confident, balanced, wise, and resourceful all the time! However, some situations carry more stress, which may cause us to regress into old patterns. Think of the times you have attended cocktail parties, business meetings, job interviews, high school reunions, and blind dates. These are the Authenticity Olympics for most of us!! Begin to notice with which friends you feel more yourself-more authentic. You may feel more comfortable in small gatherings--or oddly enough, meeting a stranger on a plane where you find yourself spilling out feelings you haven't shared even with family members. It's easier to be authentic when your identity is secondary to other actions, like chatting with the owner of an adorable and friendly dog. A good sign that you are feeling authentic is when you feel expanded and relaxed. Feeling hemmed in or contracted is a sign that you are shutting down and not being as present as you could be.

Start Now

Becoming a self-confident, happy, and fulfilled person who uses her talents to create prosperity and well-being--as well as to give service to others--is a life-long task. How might you increase your sense of being truly authentic?

You need not make huge changes in your life to experience being more alert and present. Acting on any one of the choices above can immediately change how you experience your life.